I Have Loved you with an everlasting love.

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just for fun
2007-02-22~~10:15 p.m.
just for fun

whoot
2006-08-18~~8:49 p.m.
It's one of those things. You know, you wonder why you love the people you love. Wonder why you put yourself through everything. And then come out of it still loving. It's so odd.
I can scaresly remebered what made me so angry anymore. But i know i was, and that i was justified. It's just that it's difficult to figure out what made it so bad.
There are strsses in life, and for me, i think my biggest stress is emotional. I feel oddly broken. Sad songs make me sad. And yet life gets me so darn busy that when i do have time to breathe, i just want so badly to take deep breaths.
And so i do. It's peaceful, and calming. But mostly, it entrenches my limitations and my confusion.
yea. Whatever.

Photograph
2006-04-30~~10:24 p.m.
I suppose my little exodus from happiness is over. I think I understand what’s going on in this life for now… it’s like an odd realization. Because I miss the past and I’ve forgotten about the present.
I guess that’s how we always are. We look back at life, and miss it. Miss the good times that go by. And forget that we’re not embracing the good things happening NOW. Maybe this was the attitude that Xiang Ting was talking about. Listening to Photograph by Nickelback, and it’s surprisingly heart-string pulling. It’s a weird sort of sadness, because I can just imagine that at Prom, we’ll all be crying, and then life will change so dramatically, that I would literally fail miserably to act it out. I can imagine the future, I can imagine how then I will look back, and miss myself not embracing the now. The random crack that I get high upon when I’m in class, and when I’m hanging out with the art people. When Choy (and I never thought I’d say this) with his random off-topic remarks, would seem endearing because it’s part of the memory. So with Pricilla’s lame jokes, Bianca’s quirks, Charmaine’s photos, Jeck’s grin, Adrianni’s sex appeal… haha, I know now that I’ll miss it all, so I’d better enjoy it while it’s still around.
But I won’t forget ever all those afternoons last year when Vidz, Bertie, Thomas, Andrew, Yihern, Ben and all of us just congregated sat around and just crapped. But life was different then.
I’m just thankful that some things in life have remained constant, God, family, Michelle, the IP01ers… all of the Maranuts. It’s comforting to know that these are the people who won’t judge you, who will never stop caring for you. It’s love leh…
As for the meaning in life, that still remains an iridescent unknown. But it’s hopeful, and almost beautiful.

Count your daily blessings, and you’ll understand why God put you here…

Photograph
Lyrics - All The Right Reasons :.

Look at this photograph
Every time I do it always makes me laugh
How did our eyes get so red?
And what the hell is on Joey’s head?

And this is where I grew up
I think the present owner fixed it up
I never knew we ever went without
The second floor is hard for sneakin’ out

And this is where I went to school
Most of the time had better things to do
Criminal record says I broke in twice
I must’ve done it half a dozen times

I wonder if it’s too late
Should I go back and try to graduate?
Life’s better now than it was back then
If I was them, I wouldn’t let me in
Oh oh oh
Oh god I, I

Every memory of looking out the back door
I had the photo album spread out on the bedroom floor
It’s hard to say it
Time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye
Every memory of walking out the front door
I found the photo of the friend that I was looking for
It's hard to say it
Time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye

Goodbye

Remember the old arcade
Blew every dollar that we ever made
The cops seen us hangin' out
They say somebody went and burned it down

We used to listen to the radio
And sing along with every song we’d know
We said someday we’d find out how it feels
To sing to more than just the steering wheel

Kim's the first girl I kissed
I was so nervous that I nearly missed
She’s had a couple of kids since then
I haven’t seen her since God knows when
Oh oh oh
Oh god I, I

I miss that town
I miss their faces
You can't erase
You can't replace it
I miss it now
I can't believe it
So hard to stay
Too hard to leave it

If I could relive those days
I know the one thing that would never change

Look at this photograph
Every time I do it makes me laugh
Every time I do it makes me...

driftwood
2006-04-27~~9:54 p.m.
I admit, I am procrastinating, but I gave myself a dateline, Ha ha. Life is… something that leaves me completely clueless about. I think so many times, I don’t really even know what I’m doing everything I do for. I know that more often than not I do it just because it’s easier to drift along then to try and find a possibly non-existent idea. And yet at the same time, rationale or the lack thereof forces me to question, why?
At times I feel as though I actually found the answer already, but because I am not living my life with that respect, I find myself lacking, so much so in the fullness of life. I realise I am no longer that giving person, not that it is lost to me, but rather that such a trait is on a momentary break, I’ll come about, I promise God. But that aside my lacking in giving hampers my innate ability to love, it’s a sickening vicious cycle that eats me up, day in day out. And makes me truly feel that on its most fundamental level, life is absent without God. It is, and I know that. But it doesn’t make me feel all the better. Must be the philosophy getting to my head.
There’s this other emotional aspect that is becoming more evidently missing ever since the J3s left. Suddenly I find myself missing people who I truly cared about, and finding “replacements” that far from suffice the rising need to feel loved by the people around me. I feel constantly judged and commented upon, accepted with strings attached, and slowly missing the people who truly mattered and accepted me as who I am. It’s a shabby trade off, but that’s life. And who knows what else is in store. Maybe I’m too judgmental, and not being fair to those around me now, but I find that because I missed out the last two years of bonding, it’s different now, and more often than not, merely facetious.
And then there’s the whole non-relationship thing, it’s affecting me I suppose, and while it’s not right that I keep on toying with negative thoughts, I fear that it is something I cannot help, because quite honestly I have to admit that I am not satisfied. And hurt, abominably pissed off, and yet I still really really love him. I know I’m such a sucker that as long as he shows one-tenth (or maybe one-hundredth) of the affection I show, I’ll still hold on. Just that, it is not fair to me, or us, or the fact that I still cannot accept it.
But I can’t do anything about that now, or rather I won’t, because like everything else in my life now, I choose to drift.

it's been awhile.
2006-03-12~~11:46 p.m.
Yes I have to admit, and with deepest apology, that it has been quite awhile since I last stepped foot, or made known my life to this blog (and perhaps all knowing and interested visitors). Indeed claiming that reason for such insolence blatantly lies upon the fact that I haven’t had enough time is not at all justified enough. It is but an excuse that I must so shamefully claim, to the lack of participation in fact, to my very own life.
Life has been quite the rush I suppose. And honestly, sometimes I question why the whole madness and insanity, because quite honestly, I do not know at this point of time what I shall get out of all of this. But then I quite successfully am able to convince myself that now is simply not the time to ask.
Yes indeed it isn’t but a strong sense of melancholy has stricken me. Perhaps it is the missing the people around me, Maranatha, 04IP01 girls, Yihern, Vidhya, and the gang, Michelle, and of cause all the almost forgotten seniors. How much fun we’ve had and always have when we meet up. As rarely as that is the case (and quite the misfortune too.) but it saddens me invariably, and at time I wish that my vocation (studies of cause) could take a backseat to the people around me. Because people to me are so much more important. Because building relationships, are so much more worth the time than working towards a non-existent goal. And while in both cases, nothing can be said about definite outcomes, friends do matter at the end.
What am I trying to say? Well I suppose I am moving towards a more cynical light. But quite consciously though. Simply because at this point of time, being cynical is quite the way to go (very beneficial towards the humanities subjects I’m taking) but that aside. It’s because for once, I have reason to be cynical, because church, god and people are not my life anymore. And sadly, as the pragmatic person I am, or rather to conform to my parents wishes and do what is logical, I shall study, and screw feeling and people. For now. I will be back though. I promise.

recollects before.
2006-02-27~~11:33 p.m.
Its one day shy of the Alevel results release, an oddly enough, i feel a slight tension. haha. more than any that i felt for myself during my O's.
how ironic. but ironies aside, sometimes i forget where this whole thing is relle leading to.

I think its cumulative. largely because this not only affects people who i really love, but coupled with that fact, the very thing that two years form now, it'll be my turn. hopefully i'd have somebody by my side too. you know its you.

but that aside. its ash wednesday too.it's a time for recollection. something that i should have done way way ago. but since i haven't. better late then never. so i take my leave.

Cassanova
2006-02-12~~6:03 p.m.
Haven't blogged for oh-so-long. haha so much has been happening. i can hardly catch my breath. and then its off on this mad train rush again. JC life i suppose. but then again i think i put this pressure on myself to work harder and harder. oh wells.

So friday was a nice day. i got back my chinese O's results. it was astoundingly funny. i got a B3, and was bloody shocked. i guess this shows that my hard work paid off. Again. but its getting me really high and happy. at least now i feel the impetus to work harder, to do better, and then to work harder again. which is good i suppose.

so after the whole hickety-jickety ride with the results, i had fun at wensi's house. i relle relle love her! haha. then i met up with old frens again. vidz, fran, and thomas (tom thum or peeking tom?) and had a blast at cassanova, it was brilliant in the chessy-romantic-period-comedy sense. if shakespeare wrote like this his comedies would have been funny. but would have been totally looked down upon by the literary circle.

i miss vidz, and thomas and francine. they're so nutty its funny. i could write a comedy-musical about them if i saw them more often.sigh.

and then there's yihern..... this is so sad, i will not see him for three weeks (currently its two but soon it'll be three).

now if this entry was in any sense whimsical (notice i didnt write the word bimbo) it's because thts the exact mood i'm in right now. its a warm sun afternoon. i should be joggin. but because i slept 12 hours i can't find the will to. of cause the real reason is far more complex. but then long winded details about my life would make it seem mundane. haha. the irony.

priceless.
2006-01-11~~12:23 a.m.
There is this impeccable sense of peace tonight. maybe its the weather. or the great day i just had. but i think its the spirit, calming my soul for the long day ahead.

But admist this seemingly glittery happiness, it seems almost as though there is sadness. In the air, the chilly wind thats blowing by, or the subtle scent of rain.

Yeah, there are things that are bothering me. things that are hurting me. and funny thing is that it relle has nothing to do with me... just illness does come without warning.

so why do i feel so calm about this whole affair. i feel i should be sad. but somehow, the spirit is lifting me up, as though assuring me that it'll be allright. cos God has a plan.

this is not optimism. it's faith in it's simplest form.

of course its not my mother. but i feel for her. i really do.
and it hurts me in ways i'm still trying to understand.

Love really does lift one up. and i feel it today. in this room. in the wind, in the rain. in the lack of a bright sunny day. i know it is there. ever beckoning. as if to say that LOVE and only LOVE is necessary. And what more from a God who is so mighty, ever loving. and giving us the one thing all humans yearn for and look towards to emulate: unconditional love.

from jeremiah: "I have Loved you With an Everlasting Love."

i remember looking for that in the people around me yesterday. i remember being irrationally angry with some people i LOVE. and i dunno why. lashing out at my parents... hai.. and him. And yet they were'nt angry. just tolerant. just asking what they could do for me.

sometimes i forget. help me remember to love. cos sometimes its so hard.

prices
_______________________________________

i asked for love,
you gave it to me.
and i got angry.
give up.

i asked for help,
concern, support.
you stayed.
i walked away.

sometimes sorry is
so hard to say.
and forgivness easier.
you said.
its ok.

i asked why?
why give till it hurts,
regretfully giving,
wholly giiving.
selflessly giving.

you said:
love.

priceless.
_______________________________________

thats god for you... and for the people around me who truly love me. and for everyone else struglging to love someone who's so hard to love: an enemy, an ugly neighbour, a friend who hurt you. parents. brothers, sisters.

remember.. if god can, and we were made in his image. this image of love. then we can love. as long as we're willing to.

shoutout!!!! to xiangting and wensi and weige and meisan and Xiao Dan and ju and ff and dot and charissa and addie and aloy and coco and angie and navina and melissa and marisa and kenny and oliver and tm and hil and ben and bim and melvin michael and patrick and bernice and raymond and vidz and bertie and Thomas Wong and Michelle and YOU (you'd better know who you are!) : thanks for loving.

thats my last say... before i turn seventeen.

i really love you all. alot. plus ma, pa, clem, ter, sar-ee, ee-ee, teoh--teoh, tua--koo and all the rest lah. you know who you are.

haha if you need to check. come ask me. i'll tell you how much i love you. consultation is expensive though. its priceless.

it is done
2006-01-10~~3:35 p.m.
it is done. haha. everything is perfect. i spent two hours trying to make stupid entries appear. and now i've gotta go study math. or sleep. sleep lah. haha.

test run
2006-01-10~~12:33 p.m.
so i just changed this to web blog style. and i want to change the template. just a test run.

mhmm..
2005-12-02~~12:06 a.m.
This is just silly. But so what if i know it is. Its nice to have something to wirte about for a change. I experienced God's love again. i suppose in dire times, god sends his angels. And even though i know you won;t read this, thankyou, for being tht angel.

Ever had a time when you just needed so badly to talk to someone... but somehow, there is no one right to talk to? i would have called xiangting up. But goodness knows if she's free. I feel better now.. that choked up feeling has lifted a little. But oh God i feel like crying. might do that later.. just to get it out of my system. Maybe then i'll feel better.

ironically, this whole incident, has shown me something. I still don't love myself enough. Sorry GOD. I know i should. But somehow, i blame myself. For doing whatever wrong, for letting myself be in this situation again, for leaving my self in the open, in the wild, as though i was beckoning some thing to just take a shot at me. for feeling bad. I don;t know what else, but i just seem to feel its my fault. There's this deep prompting though. it's all positive and happy. Makes me think of light. that's just telling me that God's there. its a soft kindling. warming of the heart. and its nice. cos i feel the love. and i know who its from:D

so now i've got this weird prompting. like god asking me, how i'm going to love myself more. i think i've got an ans for all this insecurity and all that, just to remember that god is with me. if the big guy up there loves me SOOOOOOOO much, i'm quite sure i can love myself too.. no matter whether i think i'm fat, stupid, or messed up.

no matter how hurt i am by him, altho i doubt he's even aware. curiosity killed the cat i know... but i can't help but wonder what if he was aware. what would he do?

there are so many questions running through my head. so much uncertainty. and alr so much of my emotions are involved, i cant say for the other party cos i sincerely don't know. besides that though... there;s this newfound welling up of confidence. the power of his healing love.

i'm so afraid of this portion of the future. this forgoing a friendship. but even not thinking so far, this pain and pang of uncertainty. disappointment, and the feeling of rejection. things i dun want to face EVER but will w/o a doubt constanly face in life.

but this pushing me out of my comfort zone is waking me up to the reality-- of life and of god's love. about how nth is smooth sailing, and yet with christ in the vessel, i can smile in the storm. yes that's beautiful. the knowledge it self is beautiful. not to mention the actualy feeling of christ being so close.

funny eh, i wanted to rant and vent at first. but now my heart is filled with love.